Why It's Important to Sit in 'The Mud' With Someone

Simon Sinek recently joined Chris Williamson’s Modern Wisdom podcast, where an entire section was dedicated to the power of listening without fixing.

“The mistake we make as friends is that we think we have to fix or offer advice to people who are going through something.”

How many times have you been there? You are facing a problem or crisis and share with a friend or colleague who immediately launches into solution mode. Rather than attuning to your actual need for connection, good intentions lead to less than helpful and unsolicited advice.

Believe it or not, brain scans show that getting advice you didn’t ask for can light up the same part of your brain as smashing your thumb with a hammer. The brain’s distress center, called the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, reacts when we feel judged, excluded, or unseen. And in moments when we just want someone to listen, being “fixed” can feel like we’re being pushed away. Our brains are hardwired for connection. We want to feel accepted, not corrected. So even well-meaning advice can hurt more than it helps if it arrives too soon or without an invitation.

“The mere phrase ‘Can I give you some advice?’ puts people on the defensive because they perceive the person offering advice as claiming superiority. It’s the cortisol equivalent of hearing footsteps in the dark.”
David Rock, neuroscience educator

David Rock's research demonstrates that offering advice, even in a workplace context, is the "cortisol equivalent of hearing footsteps in the dark." We know from our own experience and the latest affective neuroscience that trying to 'fix' doesn't work...so where does this leave us?

The great news is that modern neuroscience shows a path forward. Listening with care and presence helps create something called neural synchrony. This happens when two people feel safe and connected, and their brains begin to work in rhythm. You can actually see it in brain scans. The parts of the brain involved in empathy and understanding light up in both people at the same time.

One study found that during meaningful conversation, people’s brainwaves started to align, especially in the areas linked to attention and compassion. The more connected they felt, the stronger that alignment became. That’s what makes us feel calmer and more understood when someone is truly listening.

Even short moments of real connection can release oxytocin, which builds trust and lowers stress. When the body feels safe, the brain can grow. It can form new patterns that support healing and resilience. This is why listening without trying to fix someone is not just kind. It’s powerful, and can have long long-lasting impact.

Simon Sinek went on to sing the song of Listener's mission:

“If someone is going through something, just sit in the mud with them. We don’t have to solve everything in the moment just because we had the thought. This is where empathy kicks in.whyecause you are having the thought doesn’t mean they are ready to hear it.”

This simple and overlooked truth is a large part of why I'm building Listener. I believe that everyone deserves to be heard, not fixed.

Is there a time for advice? Sure.

Do most people already know what they need? Surely.

What would it look like to empower a generation of listeners equipped with the latest neuroscience principles to be more connected?

In a world starving for authentic connection, could it be possible to change the tide of loneliness by simply listening?

This is the bet I'm making.

For a limited time, I'm making myself personally available to anyone who books a session at trylistener.com. No advice, no chatbots– just an aspiring Chief Listening Officer practicing the way to authentic human connection. I would be honored to hold a space for you.

Believe this kind of listening matters? Join Listener Fellows for $5/month as a vote for a more connected world...where listening is enough.